Lately, I have been thinking about the number of families I encounter who are suddenly trying to make very important decisions for an aging parent during a crisis.

A parent begins showing signs of memory loss.

Nobody can find the Trust.

The home is no longer safe.

Adult children aren't sure who has authority to step in.

Most of Mom or Dad's money is tied up in the house.

Or siblings simply don't agree about what should happen next.

Rarely does just one issue arise.

Health, housing, caregiving, finances, estate planning and family relationships often collide at the same time.

That is why I have become such an advocate for planning ahead.

Planning Ahead Preserves Choices

Planning doesn't mean deciding that Mom or Dad needs to move.

It doesn't mean taking away someone's independence.

In many cases, it does the opposite.

Planning ahead gives older adults the opportunity to participate in decisions about their care, their home, their finances and their wishes while they still have more choices available.

The following situations are based on circumstances I encounter in my work. Details have been changed to protect privacy.

"We Know Mom Has a Trust. We Just Can't Find It."

Imagine an older woman living alone while her family lives far away.

Her memory is declining. A caring neighbor has gradually begun helping with groceries, transportation and bills.

She believes she created a Trust years ago.

But nobody can find it.

Now the family may soon need to determine who can help manage her affairs, where she should live, how future care might be funded and what she actually wanted.

One important lesson is simple:

Creating estate documents is not enough. Someone needs to know where they are.

Families should know where important legal, financial and medical information is kept and who has been named to step in if help is eventually needed.

The House May Be More Than an Inheritance

Another difficult situation arises when most of an older parent's wealth is tied up in the family home.

An adult child may hope to inherit the property.

But what happens if Mom eventually needs that equity to pay for care?

That is a very different conversation.

The children may see the house as an inheritance. Mom may need to see it as a resource for her own care.

Those conversations are much easier before there is an emergency.

The priority should always be the older adult's safety, care, dignity and quality of life.

Is the Home Still Safe?

Many older adults understandably want to remain in their homes.

But families should periodically ask:

Will the home that worked beautifully at 60 still work at 80, 90 or beyond?

Consider the stairs.

Bathrooms.

Lighting.

Tripping hazards.

Clutter.

Entry steps.

Deferred maintenance.

And whether there is a bedroom and full bathroom available if mobility suddenly changes.

Sometimes modifications can make the home safer.

Sometimes additional help can make aging in place possible.

And sometimes another living arrangement eventually becomes the safer and more independent choice.

The goal isn't to force a move.

It's to evaluate the options before a fall or health crisis makes the decision for the family.

Nobody Teaches Adult Children How to Do This

This may be the part that concerns me most.

Nobody hands adult children a manual explaining how to care for an aging parent.

One day you are simply someone's son or daughter.

Then suddenly you may be helping with medications, doctors, meals, transportation, finances, bathing, incontinence, housing and decisions about future care.

At the same time, many adult children are working, raising families and managing their own responsibilities.

Add dementia, money and disagreements between siblings, and an already difficult situation can become overwhelming.

Families deserve more preparation for this stage of life.

Start With the Basics

You don't need to solve every possible future problem today.

Start with a conversation.

Know where the Trust, Will, Power of Attorney and Advance Healthcare Directive are located.

Make sure the people named in those documents know they have been named.

Know where important financial, insurance and medical information is kept.

Talk about what Mom or Dad would want if living independently were no longer safe.

Look honestly at whether the home supports aging safely.

Discuss how future care might be funded.

And if several adult children will eventually be involved, start communicating now.

Different families may need different professionals — an estate-planning attorney, CPA, financial advisor, physician, care manager, senior-living professional, fiduciary or real estate professional experienced with older adults.

No single person should be expected to solve every part of the problem.

The Most Important Thing Is to Begin

You cannot plan for everything.

Life will still surprise us.

But thoughtful preparation can make it much less likely that every important decision will need to be made during a crisis.

More importantly, it gives Mom and Dad something incredibly valuable:

A voice.

A voice in where they live.

A voice in how they are cared for.

A voice in what happens to their home.

A voice in how their resources are used.

Planning is not about taking away independence.

It is about protecting choice, dignity, independence and family relationships.

If you have aging parents, perhaps the most important thing you can do is simply begin the conversation.

Prefer a quick visual summary? View my 10-page Planning Before a Crisis guide: Planning Before a Crisis: A Guide for Adult Children Helping Aging Parents

About Betty Fernandez

Betty Fernandez is a REALTOR®/Broker-Associate, Seniors Real Estate Specialist® and Certified Probate Real Estate Specialist who helps older adults and their families navigate downsizing, inherited homes, Trust and Probate sales, and other important housing transitions throughout Ventura County.

Her role is not to replace an attorney, financial advisor or medical professional, but to help families understand the real estate portion of the transition and work alongside the appropriate professionals when needed.

This article is for general educational purposes and is not legal, financial, insurance or medical advice.